A Love Letter I Hope You Never Read

Hey, you there…

No, I’m not about to start singing James Arthur, although, funnily enough, the first song I sang for you was James Arthur’s Falling like stars. Do you remember? We went to that Karaoke bar somewhere on the island but we ended up leaving because you said all that smoking could trigger my asthma- I am still rolling my eyes.

“We can still do our karaoke.” You said, trying to appease my glum self as you drove us to the beach.

“I wanted to stand on that stage and sing to you, and imagine that I’m singing at a concert, and in sea of faces, I’ll single yours out and sing my heart out to you.” I said glumly, staring out the window at the ever buzzing night life. I heard you chuckle, you know, that one that starts deep in your chest and flows out of you with a musical quality to it?

“You’re so cute.” You said, a big grin on your face, and I wanted to smack that grin right off. You know how much I hate been called cute, but you do it anyway, probably because you know you’re the only one that can get away with it. You got away with a lot of things, too many.

“Shut up.” I snapped, but you laughed, I smiled, and I tuned back to the view outside my window to hide my smile. Even then, as futile as it was, I was still trying very hard to hide so many things.

“I’m all the audience you need. Besides, you’ll be sparing all those people from having to hear that murder scene voice of yours.”

“Your face is a murder scene.” I retorted, and back and forth we went, trying to outdo each other until we got to the beach.

The sun had just set, and there were very few people scattered around as we made our way to our corner. The sky was an explosion of colours, and the air around us was alive. It was one of those evenings pregnant with possibilities; those kinds that make you believe that the universe cares about you, and if you really want something, you can have it. And if what you want is the courage to tell your best friend that you’re irrevocably and completely in love with him, then it will give it to you. It was the evening for fools and dreamers, and since you were involved, I was both. Naturally.

I sang Falling like stars for you with my murder scene voice, and you joined in at some point, and thank God there really was no one nearby to hear us!

It was all fun and games, yeah? We had a good laugh, especially when the prudish couple strolled over to where we were, witnessed the ruckus we were causing, shook their heads and left. I remember you saying they were only pissed because they couldn’t hook up with us around. It was a great evening, and I really was falling like a star- hard and fast with nothing to break my fall.

You did warn me though, when we first became friends. You said, “Whatever you do, don’t fall in love with me.” I found it annoying and extremely narcissistic. So just because you’re the human version of milk and honey, and you get me more than anyone I’ve ever met and you make my heart skip a few beats- literally, when I see you or when your message pops up on my phone, you think I’ll fall in love with you?

The answer is yes. Yes! Against my better judgement, against every moral conduct I hold myself to, I fell flat on my face for you, and since you already warned me not to, you were not there to catch me, or to pick me up.

But I don’t mind, you know? I don’t mind the floor, because you still walk on it, and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not. Not that you walk- of course it’s a good thing that you walk!

I have not told you this- but you will probably stumble across this someday; although I do hope that I’m old and withered by then, with enough memories to make this just another memory. I’m in love with you. That’s all I’ve been trying to say, really.

I’d love to give you a very rational explanation of how all this happened. I’ll like to explain to you how the sound of your laughter has become something so precious I’d go to unimaginable extents to hear it; of how your voice down the phone washes over me and soothes everything that aches; of how, after every long day, you’re the one person I want to tell about it, the one person I want to come back to.  I’d love to walk you down that journey, hell, I’ll like to walk myself down that journey. It’s like, one day I was resting comfortably up there, comfortable in my convictions, and then I was falling without brakes, without a safety net…just falling.

So, here we are, with me in love and you beautifully oblivious. It’s ironic because I’m the one that used to find the whole idea of love ludicrous. Maybe this is karma for all the times I’ve mocked love? Either ways, whatever this is, I’m flat on my face for you, head over heels and I die a little every day from pretending we’re just bros.

It’s okay though, I don’t expect anything from you. All of this…our existence is temporary anyway, and oblivion is upon us. But till then, I will love you with every breath I take. This is not a grand proclamation, it is just the simple, unshakeable truth from the mouth of a girl that has her heart freezing on her sleeve.

It is foolish, I know, but the privilege to feel this…something as beautiful as this for you, I feel honoured and blessed. Without really saying the words, you have made it clear that you cannot belong to me, and while that hurts, God, it hurts, my feelings for you are completely independent of your feelings for me.

Time will pass and tides will turn. Seasons will change, and so many things will come and go, but none of those things will matter. The future- your future, my future, none of that matters, because in this imperfect moment, I am inexplicably and perfectly in love with you. And for now, that is all that matters.

The obstacles; that great divide we can’t cross is completely inconsequential because, fuck it, I love you. I do hope the stars align in our favour in another life, in another time. Maybe.

XO